Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. Your picture is enough. Wheres Ronan? Where is Ronan? But I think about my friends daughter, and the fact that at her age, she knew what was happening. He was mine, how can that be? I imagined it. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. I cannot believe how truly hard you are working, Ronan. Then I remembered. The Kardashians?! I just told him I had a lot going on in my head, like always. I know you know how much we all need her. I tried to call your daddy. Not the spilled milk, not the I dont have enough time for myself because my kids keep me too busy, not the messes made, not the arguments that are had, not the strong-willed child that throws a fit over everything, not the I am too tired because my sick, child kept me up all night. Please. And how in the world am I living without him? You know I will always say yes to New York. A productive trip. The combination of your beauty and my sadness is more than enough, baby doll. Please!!!!!!! Im used to being the energizer bunny. Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. This led to him calling my phone. That my life without you is full of so much pain, sadness and hurt. July 28, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN Grief. There is no better place, then here with me. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, We need to come up with alast minuteMay plan, because Icant behere. He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. That phone call that I know he did not want to make, for fear of ruining our trip. That phone call that left my head spinning, tears falling, sheer panic, and of course where my mind goes to the absolute worst place. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes' birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I've made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. I cant go home to an empty house. Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldnt even finish my sentence, here, Me: Im sorry. Im not a scientist. I end up with a black mascara filled face and usually huddled up on the floor somewhere. May 9th. Im telling you, its all I can seem to do lately. The going to New York thing all alone. Of course it did. the ideas would not stop flowing. Not even his witty remark made me giggle. I love that. With a lot of different things. Im a mom. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. Darling. I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! It cannot be real because it is too awful. What amazing little girls. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldnt control. I am so glad we are here. But now we have an office! I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. THANK YOU. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. Youre doing too much.. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. I met a friend this morning for coffee. What do you say to that? Nothing gets easier. I hope you have a great day today filled with all of the simple things that matter. I feel like childhood cancer is being talked about, everywhere, but I realise that may only be because its the world solelylive in now. We Have a NewHome! The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. To cry. The rest of my day, played out in a way that I dont think I can take much more. Last night, when I woke up in that hotel room, only to find your daddy and brothers, and you were nowhere to be found.. well, what can I say? He deserved better. She told me about the study that just came out linking pregnant women and the flu, to autism. I told her I didnt remember a thing about it except I dont think I cried. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. I dont even know what I said but Im sure I was on one of my usual rants about F U Cancer to him. Gay. While I was on my vacation in the Hamptons, I got that little email that everyone else got who signed our petition to turn The White House GOLD for just one day in September. We had a little foundation business to attend to. A water for me. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingnessto be so open and honest with me. I know what I've been doing. I gave into it. I dont feel brave. No way could it really be a girl. It was weird and creepy and I was so sad when this morning when I didnt have you to tell my story to. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, Can you please get Ronans costume for me. I dont function well in a bullshit and pretending world. She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. That is so important to me. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. They help me to survive this life I live now, without your sparkly eyes, little laugh and sweet lips. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. I said I knew. I chose to see you today. I would actually like to take May 9th and make it a National holiday. Sometimes not. Thank you., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: I miss him. He deserved better. So typical. Or so the outside world seems to think. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. No eating required. Diving into the freezing ocean like I know you would have. I still feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome over the things we went through. I miss you. I dont do well with them. Im soaking that up, because it doesnt happen often. My nights have been spent writing accompanied by hot flashes and puking over the toilet again due to living this fucked up journey over in my head again and writing it all out to tell our little story. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? I soak them up whenever I can, as much as I can. His keys, our son, on our dresser. Ive been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well. Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. Today, was not a day I expected at all. It doesnt work. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didnt. I know myself well enough to know when I am not capable of handling things on my own. Cant a vampire/zombie catch a break around here? I would have loved every second of cleaning you off. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just dont understand whythe wholeworld isnt in an uproar over this. You know that speaks volumes in my book. I had the flu. Just the usual? he asked. "My darling. After I left there, my phone rang. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. That raccoon was very likely stalking the cat to eat it. Ronan is of course over the moon to spend the day with one of his brothers. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. I miss you. Everything hurts. I love you, Ronan. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. I was mesmerized by her. An ear infection, counting my blessings! I dont like being in our house, without you. I am sorry. I love you, Ro. The Story of Taylor Swift's 'Ronan' Told by the Real Mom It's - Insider She looked at me and said, How are you not so overwhelmed?! Meg. I was out cold. Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. You always make sure of this. Thank you for all the Roideas today. I was listening to, I cried when I ran over to the mall looking for a very specific gift which I could not find, I cried when I went over to the baby girl section and tried to look at the clothes. Not even her. Hes had a sinus infection (Yay! I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I wont fail you or let you down. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. Tell me what I can do for you. Pregnancy. They seem to be growing by the day and that makes me so proud. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. 0 faves. The 7th floor jumping out of our hotel window, to splatter on the streets below, did not seem like a better option. They are such good little boys. In bed? I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and Crazy workouts. Oh, and I saw Dr. Eshun again today. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. It all started with her looking me in the eyes and saying, What do you want? The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. I think my eyes do too. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. I heard her mom call out her name. I will never understand so I will spend the rest of my life, trying to fix this. You were innocent. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. How this was such an awful reason to have to run. The thought of any type of food, makes me nauseous, except pies. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. Any type of cooking smell, makes my stomach turn. But I just promised him I would try instead. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. Let him be fine. I think I told you that I tried to prep, with Dr. JoRo about this whole getting pregnant thing. With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. I had all I could take. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. Why would I want to break it anymore? I came home and fell into a deep sleep. We talked about some other things. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. Mascara and snot everywhere. Swallow pill. My phone rang. I nodded my head that it was, because it is; but there is also something comforting about it too. He asked if it was hard for meto bein there with her. It was quiet. I called her a maverick and an outside of the box thinker.. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. I was in the hospital with your Poppy sister. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. Flanders is the name of the whole western part of Belgium. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan. Quinn said. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldnt ruin it. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. I honestly still cannot believe you are gone and that I dont get to chase you around anymore. Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. Her secret is not something you can get at med school. Yes, it was barbaric. Things like this dont happen in real life, right? Im better. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. I have to make you proud, Ronan. Is this normal? First things first, Ronan. Are you laying with your child, as he takes his last breaths? I just want to sit and cry, so I do. That woman has such a way with words, that she could have no doubt brought every person in that room, to their knees begging to know her secret. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. She lost her daughter to cancer. He said some more things to me that I wont repeat, but left me saying, How do you know that? Ireland! I almost fell over. Walking in with it was easy. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. I tried my best. I know Ive been quiet. I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Handing her your Rocard. If it is, fix it. A little seal with the biggest eyes. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. Liam chirped up that there was a 10% chance that is was not a girl. Its been a long and busy day. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Everything was so simple and so easy. I had a long board meeting last night. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! THANK YOU. I couldn't take it anymore. Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. I told them it was o.k. Its been much too long. I miss you so much. was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. Its got to be something bad, because too many good things are happening lately. I texted her back, Is it good news or bad news? I was expecting the bad from my friend and foundation president. Im doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. That I am sure of. Healthy and living and there should be nothing to complain about, ever. I miss you so much. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. And no. Anything else I need to address tonight?? My week has kind of gotten away from me. Nothing. Fuck. I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. Im hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit I know great things will come from this trip. I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. Im tired. But if I would have said something, it would have been something like this: Im not a doctor. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Ronan. Last night, when I was roaming around our house, I looked outside. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. What I wouldnt give to have my old life back. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. I sat there numbly and didnt say much. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I hope you are safe. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. I left her office, feeling tired and sad. I had a super important phone call this week. I was going through some emails. Gosh, how I loved to embrace your little spicy rebellious ways. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching The Kardashians. I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, Who am I?? Until 7:30 this morning. Watching him do this, I felt like I was sucker punched. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. I had Quinn call your Nana. Taken on March 29, 2011. P.S. I cant do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. I grab my Ambien that I now only take due to emergencies. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. It was an emergency last night. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was a total adventure. That I needed to see him today. I hope you are safe. Its so funny. I sacrifice myself, for them. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. She told me she was sorry about you. At least that is the vibe I got. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? I saw my OBGYN as well. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. I guess it was good that I had a fairly quiet week because I am going to need to find my energy for this weekend. I miss you. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. The little mannequin dressed up like you, looked just like you did when you actually wore the costume. I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. Im angry, sad, and feel really let down. Such a little skeptic he is. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. Please. I looked down at the floor and thought for a bit. I miss you. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. I hung up and listened to your Sparkly and went back to sleep for the next 8 hours. I went down to his office. This totally brings tears to my eyes because I know he did this for you, and how proud you are of him. The biggest reason of all. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and I was out cold. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. We both ache for our children so badly that it makes every single bone in our bodies throb with pain. I'm landing close to midnight. We walked all over the city. Nobody deserves to get cancer, but especially not children. Case in point, conversation with your daddy in the car. September 2022 - ROCKSTAR RONAN Then perfect little boy Ronan. Things like this dont even happen in the fucking movies so how can they possibly happen, in real life? She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and its what I will do for the rest of my life. I have tried to get it about 3 times, but all I can do is sit in the parking lot and cry. Of course I can. Ronan. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. with this crazy girl hugging her and trying to find the words to tell her thank you. He didnt answer. This was my idea as I knew we were going to need a way to get a laugh and some smiles on this trip. Nobody in that restaurant, had a dead almost 4-year-old. I understand. I feel like its taken a long time for the 4 of us to find our rhythm again here, without you. It is already her name, and she is not even here. Its 4 a.m. Im not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. I have had a blast and it is a healthy, good distraction. You have no idea how glad I am you didnt listen to me on that one. The one where I was watching that little girl play in all the clothes racks. She made me smile so for that moment in time, I was o.k. Everything is different. I just want you back. I could easily see myself sinking into a very depressed state of mind and not getting out of bed until Poppy is born. They fill me with things like a fire and a drive that I never knew I had. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. Throw up. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. It could have been everything from Im leaving for Tibet to I bought a dog. I think he was really relieved when he heard me say, Were having a baby girl. He was so happy. He was so tiny and frail. We sat, just the 4 of us and I tried to let myself relax and enjoy our dinner. I am so scared of having a still birth because thats the world I live in now and its all I hear about, besides cancer.. A small part of me thinks that if we had indeed lived in this small little sleepy town, that you would still be here. Trust me. ! because thats what I totally felt like. I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright. She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. The days are lost for me. Maybe, but its the only way I feel like I can survive. I of course chopped it up to nerves. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. She obviously gets those from your daddy. You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc Those things to me, are blessings. She is so beautiful already. After the Stand Up to Cancer benefit, "Ronan" was only released on iTunes, with all proceeds donated to the Taylor Swift Charitable Fund.